Violated Words: abuse

Many may think this is crazy. Abuse is well used, isn’t it?

Well… No.

I was just scrolling through Facebook today when I found a «course» for parents to talk about sex with their kids. I am not going to deep into the depths of what this «psychologist» thinks is the normality for parents to talk about sex with their children, or what kind of stupidity I think exists about having «THE conversation» and all that shit. Sex is a part of life, whether you are a sexual person or not, and having «THE conversation» should be as natural as talking about any other topic. And if you, as a parent, have a problem talking about any topic with your children then you should work on it. But setting the sex aside as if it is a big deal it is something I really don´t get.

You have hormones. Sometimes, these hormones make you wanting sex (sometimes not, asexuals are there to prove it) and then you will have it. That´s it. You can have it with yourself masturbating, or you can have it with others. And this happens sooner than most people like to think.

Apart from that, sex has a reproductive function, that has repercussions on how your body reacts or acts to some things. For example, the ********** menstruation. And everyone has the right to know about how their bodies function, so I don´t see the big deal.

But for many people it is apparently a big deal. To the point that any interaction with your children´s bodies is considered abuse.

Aaaand… here it comes. What does abuse mean? Well, I have found this definitions:

n.

1. wrong, improper, or excessive use;
   misuse:[uncountable]drug abuse.[countable]That act was an abuse of power.
2. [uncountable]harsh, coarse, insulting language.
3. harsh treatment:[uncountable]The hostages suffered abuse during their captivity.
4. [uncountable]physical or sexual mistreatment.

To this topic, the definition that counts is 4. I looked upon the verb definition too and here it is:

v.t.

1. to use wrongly or improperly;
   misuse:to abuse one’s authority.
2. to treat in a harmful, injurious, or offensive way:to abuse a horse; to abuse one’s eyesight.
3. to speak insultingly, harshly, and unjustly to or about;
   revile;
   malign.
4. to commit sexual assault upon.
5. [Obs.]to deceive or mislead.
6. abuse oneself, to masturbate.

Well, I won´t talk about the 6. because I have my limits and I don´t want to vent too much. Let´s focus on the 4. again, as it is the one to talk about sexual abuse. To commit sexual assault. To dig a bit more into this let´s look at the definition of assault:

as•sault/əˈsɔlt/  n. 

1. a sudden violent attack;
   onslaught:[countable]launched an assault on the enemy stronghold.
2. LawLaw. an unlawful physical attack upon another, esp. an attempt or threat to do bodily harm:[countable]Several assaults with deadly weapons.[uncountable]convicted of assault.
3. Law[countable]rape¹ (defs. 1, 2).

And I would want you to focus on the 2. and 3. definitions. And to dig even more, let´s see what´s the definition of rape:

v.

1. to force (someone) to have sexual relations:[~ + object]He was accused of raping several women.[no object]might rape again.
2. to despoil:[~ + object]developers raping the beautiful countryside.

Do I have to still look for the definition of force? Or do we all agree on what forcing someone is?

So, if we look at all these definitions, we must conclude that sexual abuse is to commit an unlawful physical attack upon another (esp. an attempt or threat to do bodily harm) in order to force them to have any kind of sexual relations. I would add that sexual abuse is not just physical, but we must stick to the definitions given, in order to not divagate too much.

Well. We have a definition. Now… why do I say this word is Violated?

Because, as I was saying, I was scrolling through Facebook and got to this course I talked about before, and one of the points was that all kids must have their own individual room, and all parents must knock on the door, because if it happens that a kid is masturbating and their parents open the door and see them, they are abusing their child.

I beg your pardon? Well, it is not me who is going to say that is awful that each kid has their own room, but like a «must»? A need? Something that you have to do and think about if you have children? So if you live in a 2 bedroom house and you have two children, you have to move, that´s it. Oh, you can´t afford it? Well, well… it´s a matter of time that you become a child abuser.

Or your other children become abusers, if they see their siblings masturbating by mistake, I assume.

I understand about privacy. It´s a great lesson to teach your children. And I understand greatly how you must (and yes, this is a must) explain why it is a good idea to not masturbate or have sex in front of others, or how to check the surroundings (if your brother, for example, who shares the room with you it´s at home, maybe you should consider masturbate at another time, or not in the room you share). I can understand a lot of things. But I cannot understand how you, as a parent, coming into your child´s room to, I don´t know, maybe bring clean clothes, become a child abuser if your kid has decided that when everyone´s home going up and down and cleaning or whatever is the best time to masturbate. Or if you, parent, happen to need to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night and you open the door without knocking (it´s fucking 3 a.m, for Christ´s sake!) and you find your kid, who forgot to close the lock, masturbating then, BAM! you suddenly are a child abuser.

I have even read (not in this «course») how changing the diapers of your baby or kissing your child in the lips is abuse.

Mia Madonna! What are you doing?

Abuse is a really serious topic. And labelling abuse things that are pretty normal and natural is doing no good, nor the people who are not really abusers, nor the people who really are abused.

Having a sex talk with your children is needed, and I totally agree with the psychologist of that course. Because it´s natural, and normal, and there shouldn´t be taboos. But you cannot expect a parent to not ever see their children naked, or kissing them. You cannot expect every parent to have a separate room for each one of their children, or fearing forever to be child abusers.

What would happen when a kid who has been sexually assaulted gets to a place to get help? Would their cries for help be (more) ignored because anything is abuse?

Oh, yes, I was masturbating in my room and my mother came in with the laundry and saw me for a second when she opened the door.

Ah… mmm… Yes, my mother too. But actually, she insisted that I do it in front of her and she masturbated with me, not letting me stop.

Yeah, same thing, sure.

The thing is this psychologist thinks that watching your children masturbate is the same as watching porn. So the normal thing you do when you caught your child masturbate, according to her, is not saying something like «Oh, for God´s sake, could you just do it when we are not around?» and closing the door. Or something like «You should do that in the bathroom, it has a locker» and closing the door. Or a more brief «Oh, shit!» and closing the door. No. The normal reaction is that you see your child masturbating and you stare and get turned on as if you were watching porn (I must say, I have many things to say about porn, but that is another story and it must be told any other moment). That, according to her, is what every parent would do.

I am so sorry, if every parent she knows get turned on by the idea of their children having sex (whether with themselves or others) maybe she should stop asking people to get a room for every kid and start calling CPS more.

Maybe that´s just an excuse she uses to force her points of view on others. I would love to think this is what happens, and not that she is surrounded by real sexual abusers.

But violating the word abuse to mean what you want in order to force other people to do/think as you think they should, has a name. Do you remember? Let´s see the definition 1. of abuse:

wrong, improper, or excessive use;
misuse:[uncountable]drug abuse.[countable]That act was an abuse of power.

to use wrongly or improperly;
misuse:to abuse one’s authority.

And the number 5:

[Obs.]to deceive or mislead.

So, using the word abuse to state something that is not abuse in order to deceive or mislead is, itself, an abuse.

And abusing the word abuse is an abuse against everyone who suffers abuse as the abuse of abuse makes real abuses and abusers go unnoticed. Because who is going to take an abuse accusation seriously when there are people claiming that entering your children room without knocking (in case they are masturbating) is abuse?

Everything would be so easy if sex stopped being a taboo. If there were no problem in talking about sex with your kids, if there wasn´t something like «THE conversation». The problem with young people and sex is that they don´t talk about sex (and safe sex) with their parents, they say. Fine. I agree. I talked to my parents about it many times, and I never had any problem with safe sex. I have talked about it with my kids too. But what makes us think that a parent can have a conversation about sex with their children if they think that even opening a door while your child is masturbating (without you knowing it, and not with the intention of stare and join them) is abuse.

Don´t violate words. It´s not as difficult, really.

Sjáumst, humanies.